I broke up with my soul mate last night.
After my father passed in May, I slipped into depression. I chose to listen to my negative thoughts instead of taking time to truly surrender my attachment to this pain. I refused myself happiness and joy. All I could see was the darkness in others and I searched for the answers externally. I started a “grief” journal, thinking it would be therapeutic to let out my frustrations. I openly wrote once “self-reflection, ahh yuck”. I was living in so much fear.
After so many months and so much pain in my relationship, I wrote this poem to my boyfriend:
The last thing I want to do is feel disconnected to you.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, I wish you could see
that even the simplest things in life, the things that used to make me smile,
now they make me feel small.
I try to leave the past in the past,
but this overwhelming feeling of death seems to never pass.
Part of me is angry, part of me is sad.
Part of me feels inspired, and part of me knows we will never get back what we had.
I’ll never be my old self.
I’ll never have my life back.
I’ll never be quite the same.
I need your help, I need your support.
It’s hard to need someone.
It’s hard to be vulnerable to you, my feelings and my life.
But I know you are here to help me, guide me, and love me.
I don’t want it if you don’t want it.
It will take hard work.
We can raise our vibrations, because that itself is love.
If you don’t have the strength or belief in me and this relationship,
I will be okay.
I will not force you.
Why do we keep hurting each other?
Why am I so negative?
Why is love so hard?
The next day I hired Gail, a relationship coach and stopped negative journaling. We ended up getting separate coaches and I hired Tomasin, a spiritual coach as well. I also started doing the exercises in the book, May Cause Miracles by Gabby Bernstein, which is full of prayers, affirmations, surrender and focuses on building self-love.
It has been 8 weeks and countless hours alone on my knees in full surrender.
The most powerful exercise I did with Tomasin was on self-reflection. I had to say 3 things I loved & hated about him. I loved that he was available, into self-growth and fun. I hated that he didn’t fill his cup, resistance to everything and suffocating me.
Little did I know, this was the reflection of what I was dealing with in myself and choosing to run from it. This was a huge insight for me. It was a game-changer. I had not accepted this for a long time. I knew it was time to take action in my life.
I chose to cut the attachment, so I can set myself and my boyfriend free. So that I could experience unconditional love, simply showing up 100% true to yourself with no expectations. It was time to release him to see what the universe has in store for me. I had to do this so I can be who I truly am. I chose to be in an unhealthy relationship, to completely depend on someone. For so long, I thought I was suffocating in the relationship because of him. But it was me. It is always me, it is never the other person. I gave up my power by blaming him. Blaming him for not making me feel better, for not stocking the fridge, for not doing things my way. That is so unfair to treat someone you love this way.
(I pulled these cards that day. They represent past, present and future.)
The feeling I felt after I let him go was so intense. It was something I have never experienced fully. It was magical:
We embraced each other for the first time in a while with no attachment. We saw each other like we did before we let fear run the show. We showed up completely. We loved each other for who the other is. We made love because we meant it. It was a beautiful time spent together. We bought a circular charms to represent the flow of life cycles and meditated with it on each others hearts and released the intention of our highest and best good to unfold.
After he left was the real hard part, I wrote: “I can’t believe I just did this. I’m numb. I feel paralyzed. I can’t stop crying like a little baby.”
I decided it was time to CLEAN HOUSE. I went back through countless notes about all the things that I felt were wrong about him and read them as if I were talking about myself. It was so hard. I felt like I had been hit by a bulldozer. How could I treat someone like this, and in actuality, MYSELF like this? All I could see in my father when he died was his lack of self-worth. Then here I am, living in that same fear. How did this happen? I had let the fear move into my body and dwell instead of releasing it and seeing it for what it truly is: People die, shit happens, feel it, learn from it, move on. But instead, I chose to re-live the experience from my father’s death instead of releasing it.
I changed everything negative in my writing to positive affirmations.
What the hell is he doing with his life?
I will build a beautiful life for myself.
THEN I FUCKING BURNED THAT SHIT, all that SHIT.
It was a sacred ceremony. If you know anything about animal totems, you’ll know it was crazy that a wasp flew on me while I was lighting the fire. I walked inside afterwards and fell to the ground in laughter for about 5 minutes straight. It was the first time in a long time that I truly let go and experienced joy.
It is time to step out into the real world for the first time in my life. And I have to say… This. Is. Fucking. Scary. I have never really ever been alone. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend looking for someone to fill that void in myself. It’s time to trust myself, trust the universe and trust God. Only then can I be in a healthy relationship.
The universe has a divine plan for me. It is beautiful, wonderful and amazing. I am back on the horse and doing those things that scare me, I am experiencing freedom and love for myself again. I am confident to do more, feel more and be happy.
In this process, I am happy to also say I have realized my gift as an intuitive business coach. I want to help you design your life. I want to help you design your business, your web presence, your brand, what makes YOU who YOU are!
If you want to work with me, shoot me an email firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to set up a consultation.