As I sit down to write this blog post, my eyes well up in tears. Writing has always been a tool for my spiritual growth, especially grieving the loss of my brother and father in less than one year. Not only did I lose them, but this is the 3rd consecutive year that I am going through a break up right before the holidays. For the past 2 years, I have found myself alone, writing and crying a lot in the months of November and December. The first Christmas, I sat alone on Christmas Eve and posted a blog about my father. I have created the biggest transformations and breakthroughs in these times of deep reflection.
Here is a blog I wrote about the break up with my boyfriend & father’s death 2 years ago: http://www.margiepargie.com/2014/12/10/broke-soul-mate-last-night/
Here are 2 videos I made for my father:
I have not blogged much about the death of my little brother and I know a lot of you that read my blogs knew him very well. The most healing affirmation I have found to keep me positive through his loss are the powerful words: “How would he want me to feel?” Now matter who you lose or how they pass, this statement can help you to find inner peace. My brother, a very loving, spiritual and entertaining young man, would always tell me to lighten up. He always had a way of picking on me that would make me laugh. He will always be remembered for his genuine happiness, helping hand, goofiness and ability to live in the present.
When I found out that he passed, I wasn’t sure whether it would be easier or harder than my dad’s death, considering I was much closer with my brother. I realized the more I think about it, the more terrible I would feel. Every time I felt myself getting upset, sad or in the victim mode, I would ask myself, “How would he want me to feel?”. Yes, this is much easier said than done. But when I breathe and live in the present moment, there is much more beauty. I told myself I would be much more courageous this time. I would recite the prayer, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, be courageous enough to change the things I can and wise enough to know the difference.
If you have lost someone, you may be able to relate with some of these thoughts I had in the beginning. I wake up one morning and the next day, my brother is dead. How could this be real? How is this fair? My best friend, my partner in crime, my chubby little bruddah, gone forever. How much I would give to hug him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him one more time. Everything we went through together in that year with the loss of my dad. It is so heart breaking that he was so young. I would ask myself, how is it possible that half my family is dead in less than one year? It is healthy to ask yourself these types of questions with the intention to answer them with a positive affirmation. After allowing my ego to ask these questions, my inner guidance system would answer with a statement like this: Because I am given only the lessons I can handle and it is for my highest self-realization. My obstacles are my stepping stones to a more purposeful life. My story inspires others to heal and be courageous.
It’s only me and my mom now. Thinking back to that time, nothing mattered at first. I would just sit and cry. I would just lay there. All I could do was make jewelry and dreamcatchers. I had to get away. I had to get help. I had to be around people who “got” me. I had to change. I had to heal. I had to come back alive. When I think of Andrew, I think of how much fun he loved to have. I needed that fun. So I went to California to heal.
Part of being able to get through the holidays was that I took the time to heal in the beginning. I didn’t wait until Thanksgiving dinner was served and it hit me like a ton of bricks that he wasn’t there. I prepared myself. I went to Esalen and processed. If you haven’t taken the time to heal, please, take this time during the holidays to do that. Feel into the pain. Listen to what your ego says about the situation. For me, I was so angry that my brother left me. I was so mad that he abandoned me. He was supposed to be there for my wedding, my first child, vacations and adventures. I had to realize that he is still here with me and always will be. I had to journal it out. I had to go to therapy. I had to talk to people who have been through the same thing. I had to SEEK the growth.
If you are dealing with the loss of someone close to you this holiday, especially a family member, grab a journal and let’s get REAL.
How would they want you to FEEL?
How are you blaming them for your sadness or anger?
How can you take responsibility for that feeling and transform it into a positive affirmation?
Where are you running from the healing?
When you think of their loss, what part of your body do you feel the tension?
Breathe into that space. Exhale deeply.
Allow yourself to release the chains that are holding you from the transformation.
Some ideas for letting the emotions flow: punch a pillow, scream, cry or dance.
When you feel like you can’t express anymore emotions, come down to your knees and surrender. Place your forehead to the floor and say out loud: I surrender all of my guilt, fear, shame, sadness, anger and blame to the care of the universe. (or God, Spirit, Buddha, whatever you believe in)
Do this as many times as you need in your healing. I will continue to do these exact things until I die. I never know when a moment of grief will creep up on me. I do know that every time I allow myself to release, I become stronger. I own my story, my transformation and my healing. I know that there is a divine plan set out for me. I know that this blog will set others free. It is my duty to share. As a lightworker, I have committed my life to healing my mind. As I tell my story, I awaken a power deep within me. If this story has given you hope, relief or a sense of freedom, PLEASE reach out. Connect with me and share your experience. I would love to hear from you.
So much love for you all,